I’m awful with words. Seriously, nine times out of ten when I’m trying to explain something, it makes absolutely no sense. Here I go trying to explain the amazingness that last night was.
Last night we had the Girl Gang benefit show at The Care Less Lounge. I was incredibly nervous that something would happen and the show just wouldn’t happen or that only two people would show up. This project means more to me than I realized. It’s so many things wrapped into one. It’s healing from a difficult time in my life, it’s giving voices to the many powerful women that I know, it’s finally doing something for myself, and it’s a reason to wake up every day and get out of bed. Plus another 20 things. It’s big for me, ya’ll.
Not only do I suck at words, I am also an emotional person. For a long time, I didn’t think anyone really gave a shit about me or what I do. Even when I’d shoot a show, and the musicians would thank me, I never really believed it. Which is nothing against the amazing musicians in my life, it’s against myself and my inability to believe that I am worth a damn on most occasions.
I still feel like all of this is a dream. I feel like it’s just this awesome dream that I’m going to wake up from one day. Like I’m not really doing this. Like there’s no way I, Jenna Madonia, would be doing something like this. But I am. I’m doing it. Tomorrow is the last day of shooting for Girl Gang: Iconic. It’s weird. Surreal. I’ve been working so hard on this project, spending long days shooting, trying to tell myself that I can keep going and see this thing through to the end. It’s been one of the most incredible experiences of my life. And the part I love the most, is ending tomorrow. How weird is that? Step one is almost completed. I’m legitimately doing this and making progress. That’s pretty damn incredible. Especially if you know how much I struggle with motivational and self-worth issues.
I feel slightly embarrassed for crying so much last night, even if it was all happy tears. I have amazing musician friends who did a show for me and that means more to me than anyone could possibly know. At one point while Belushi was playing, I realized that this was not only a show for Girl Gang -- it was a show that everyone involved felt happy. They were beating the ever loving shit out of each other with wrapping paper and having a blast doing it. That was special for me. People kept telling me it was “my night.” But it wasn’t. It was everyone's night. It was all the Girl Gang women’s night, it was the bands night, it was the fans night. It was one incredible night too. I was overwhelmed with the fact that people think I’m worth a damn and even more so that what I do, is worth a damn.
I didn’t realize the impact a show would have on myself and those involved. I think last night is the best night of 2018 by far. My twin sister was there. She even got up on stage and talked about Girl Gang and thanking everyone who came. She was so embarrassed afterwards, but she has no idea how much that meant to me. I sure as hell wasn’t about to get up on that stage and talk to people I KNOW. She hardly knows half of them. I love you, twin’ems. That was something truly special to me.
Adam, of course, made me cry. That was the first cry of the night. He’s a very special person to me. One of my best friends and most favorite people. He’s always there for me. Him and Amy. I really don’t know what I’d do without them.
There’s just so much I want to say. I can’t seem to get it all out though. I think that’s how you know something is truly special to you. You can’t put that feeling into words. I definitely can’t.
I just know that I’m incredibly grateful to everyone who came, to the bands that played, to the venue, to the strangers that walked up and gave me money for Girl Gang, to the key players involved like Amy, to the fact that Jazzy joined Belushi on stage as their bassist, to Nik and Jordan for getting me shots of bourbon to try and help calm my nerves, to Amy for doing my makeup and making me feel pretty, to Elliot for running AMAZING sound, to Slash and Nancy from DCRG for coming, to Jordan jumping up on stage even though she was petrified,to the people that came up to me to tell me how important this project is to them even though they’re not directly involved in it, to Adam for being Adam, to Mosquito for always being incredible, to Belushi for making me drink Listernog and recording the entire night, to my parents for being supportive of me doing this, to every single person in that room last night.
You all made me feel like I’m worth a damn and that’s the best feeling I’ve ever experienced.